It’s been 3 years since I set up this blog and wrote my first and only entry. My blog was about finding balance and I’ve just made a decision that makes that possible. I found and tried over the years to balance responsibilities and a life that, for me, weren’t “balance-able.” I felt if I tried hard enough, controlled the circumstances, and willed myself to be balanced, then I would be and if I couldn’t it was a failure on my part. Over the past many months, I came to realize that leaving something that didn’t serve me the way my family and I needed was actually a brave decision and not a failure.
So, I left my job and am fortunate to have the summer “off”. I spent this week planting flowers, riding my bike, hanging with the kids, downloading new music, doing the digital ebook thing, eating ice cream, running errands, paying bills, trying new recipes, visiting with an old friend, sleeping in and all that great good stuff that somehow I couldn’t create space for.
The most memorable time this week was when I went grocery shopping with Coop and Greta. They had just experienced a full-out grocery shopping with Cal the day before and so their patience level was already a bit compromised. The behavior wasn’t great to start and was sliding as we went along. At one point, I grabbed my daughter’s hand and held it tight, telling her through that firm squeeze that I know this was getting long, but that she is so good, sweet and gentle, and I know she can make it through this. She must have understood because she squeezed my hand back, wasn’t interested in letting go, and we focused on holding hands – which felt fabulous. I left the cart and started walking towards an aisle and at that moment, another little hand grabbed mine. At first I couldn’t think who would be doing this as 7-year old Cooper is pretty “hands off”. But it was Cooper, and as soon as I felt his hesitant grasp, I grabbed it tight with a different message. My message was “thank you for grabbing my hand, thank you for showing me love, thank you for loving me, thank you for being the cool, amazing kid you are.” I wandered around the aisles for a bit holding both their hands. I didn’t want to go back to that cart or pick up the next grocery – I didn’t want to let go. Not now, not now that I’m actually able to be with them, to feel what it’s like, and to make memories of the simplicity and innocence of being with them.